THE EMOTIONAL LIFE OF A TODDLER
Toddlerhood is a moment where parents often come to an expert asking what's wrong with their child. They might think that a spirit possessed their child for throwing endless tantrums, or their child was just mad. Parents' ultimate goal in toddlerhood is to prevent and get rid of children's tantrums. They have tried many tips & tricks they found on social media, they googled “how to stop child's tantrum,” they would do anything to silence their child.
To my surprise, in this chapter of the book, I found out that tantrums are essential for a child's healthy development. Tantrums take a child to the very bottom of his being, helping him learn that anger and despair are part of human experience and need not lead to lasting emotional collapse. Tantrums also teach the child that his anger is not dangerous, that the parents will not abandon him, and that he will not be left alone in his "dark night of the soul." (Page 62)
I know it's easier said than done. I have experienced how difficult it is to calm down the toddlers in my infant-toddler center. They don't verbally communicate their needs and wants yet, but they are human beings with full emotions and an urge to explore the world. Let me tell you a story about the mysterious scream. Mary, a 15-months-old girl, was playing with her other friend peacefully. Her other friend was playing with some pompoms and pipe cleaners. Out of the blue, Mary shouted from the top of her lungs and grabbed her friend's toys. No one knew what seemed to bother her. She kept doing that to all her friends for most of the day.
Another time, Mary decided to answer NO to everything. When we offered food, she said NO. When we asked her to clean up, she said NO. When we asked her to sing along, she said NO too. It seems like NO is her new magic word.
Sometimes toddlers' behavior is truly annoying and unacceptable. Her parents said they were tired and confused about how they should handle their child; sometimes, they lost their patience. At that time, I was also confused. I didn't understand why she did that. However, in this chapter, I learned that a parent's outbursts could actually help toddlers because it teaches them that they do not need to control themselves all the time. (Page 77)
I think this is groundbreaking. We should not expect parents to be patient no matter what. Instead, children need to see the various emotions that their parents can experience. It can be a teaching moment about emotions. Parents should be allowed to be sad, angry, afraid, or tired, just as how children are entitled to explore and show those feelings. A parent who hides their emotions won't do any good for their child's emotional development.
The important thing is what to do after the parent has lost her temper. Language can be an enormous help to discuss what happened and why parents were angry. Eventually, the children will learn that closeness is restored after tempers calm down. Repairing episodes of conflict with the parent helps the child develop inner controls. The long-term goal of making up is to help the child build an internal model of the secure base that the parents represent on the outside. When this is successful, the child acquires a profound sense of centeredness and self-respect to help through difficult times. (Page 78)
In Mary's case, she was showing an intention to communicate her wants and trying to show her power by saying NO to everything. She should be allowed to do that even if it may be difficult for Mary's parents to get through this period of toddlerhood. However, parents should not hesitate to show their emotions if it gets too much. Telling Mary how the parents feel toward her actions was something worth trying as well.
In conclusion, toddlerhood may be difficult, but it is not just tricky for parents. This age is difficult for the toddler too. They have to go through a burst of emotions, following their inner urges to explore while submitting to the parents' power. It's a tough time, but this, too, shall pass.
